Things I have Learned at the Edinburgh Fringe (Weeks 1 & 2)

Lolly JonesComment

My credit card and I been having the time of our lives here at the Edinburgh Fringe.  But as the cider flows, all is not going as planned.  Here are a few lessons that I have learned in the first two weeks of the Edinburgh Fringe...

  • Supposedly, you are only ever two pay checks away from oblivion.  Turns out, you are only two Edinburgh shows away from a psychological meltdown. 
  • Sleeping in until 2:30 in the afternoon isn’t just fun, it is necessary.
  • You trudged up to Scotland with your set and a vision…YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS!  And it happened.  Except your name isn’t in lights.  It’s on some cardboard, taped to a rubbish bin in Grassmarket, slowly peeling off in the rain.
  • Arthur’s seat is not a seat.   And there is no one up there called Arthur.  This is the worst case of false advertising since the Brexit Leave campaign.
  • Eating a Pad Thai from Caravan is not one of your five a day. 
  • Flyering your show on a street corner will make you feel like a) a bar promoter or b) a prostitute.  Either way, there are no free drinks and there ain’t no happy ending.
  • Edinburgh is better than London PART ONE: a shop on Cowgate sells Wheat Crunchies for 39p.
  • The Comedy Coroner is the only reviewer who is booked in to see your show.  And they just cancelled.  *drops mic
  • The best retort I heard whilst flyering someone, goes to this lad: “I’ve just been robbed.  FUCK YOU!”
  • You will soon have a clearer knowledge of the city’s streets than black cab drivers.  Because, rather than taking your flyers, all punters will ask you for directions to Glenn Wool’s show. 
  • The second best retort when flyering someone (for my show SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON):  “Who’s Kevin Bacon?  I’ve only heard of Richard Bacon.”  Brilliant. 
  • Don’t mix cider, jager bombs and Guinness or you may wake up with pink hair.
  • When hunting for chips at 3:30am, don’t believe the chippy by the Gilded Balloon (that closes at 3:30) when they say there are no more chippies open.  THEY LIE!  #winning
  • Do be concerned when the guy you are snogging in a taxi calls you Becca.  Unless you are called Becca.  in which case, have a cracking night.  I am sure he's a keeper.
  • Edinburgh is better than London PART TWO: there is an Indian Restaurant that serves Veggie Haggis curry.  Get out of town!  Except don’t.  Stay in town and eat the curry.
  • There may be more of your exes in this city than stars for Michelle Wolf’s show.   Don't heckle either one.
  • Do be concerned that the pillows in your sublet look like an acid-tripping lab-rat chewed through it like a hungry comedian in Caravan.

I will be back shortly with more revelations from the second two weeks of the Fringe.  By which time I will have renamed my show SIX DEGREES OF RICHARD BACON.  It will relay the tale of a girl called Becca who falls for a former TV presenter.  Instead of ‘cutting loose’ and forcing the town of Bomont to dance again, Becca and Richard will carve out careers in radio and snort lines from a Blue Peter badge.

SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON by me, Lolly Jones plays in the Spare Room at Just the Tonic at 22:20 until the 28th August.  Tickets from £5: