My credit card and I been having the time of our lives here at the Edinburgh Fringe. But as the cider flows, all is not going as planned. Here are a few lessons that I have learned in the first two weeks of the Edinburgh Fringe...
- Supposedly, you are only ever two pay checks away from oblivion. Turns out, you are only two Edinburgh shows away from a psychological meltdown.
- Sleeping in until 2:30 in the afternoon isn’t just fun, it is necessary.
- You trudged up to Scotland with your set and a vision…YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS! And it happened. Except your name isn’t in lights. It’s on some cardboard, taped to a rubbish bin in Grassmarket, slowly peeling off in the rain.
- Arthur’s seat is not a seat. And there is no one up there called Arthur. This is the worst case of false advertising since the Brexit Leave campaign.
- Eating a Pad Thai from Caravan is not one of your five a day.
- Flyering your show on a street corner will make you feel like a) a bar promoter or b) a prostitute. Either way, there are no free drinks and there ain’t no happy ending.
- Edinburgh is better than London PART ONE: a shop on Cowgate sells Wheat Crunchies for 39p.
- The Comedy Coroner is the only reviewer who is booked in to see your show. And they just cancelled. *drops mic
- The best retort I heard whilst flyering someone, goes to this lad: “I’ve just been robbed. FUCK YOU!”
- You will soon have a clearer knowledge of the city’s streets than black cab drivers. Because, rather than taking your flyers, all punters will ask you for directions to Glenn Wool’s show.
- The second best retort when flyering someone (for my show SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON): “Who’s Kevin Bacon? I’ve only heard of Richard Bacon.” Brilliant.
- Don’t mix cider, jager bombs and Guinness or you may wake up with pink hair.
- When hunting for chips at 3:30am, don’t believe the chippy by the Gilded Balloon (that closes at 3:30) when they say there are no more chippies open. THEY LIE! #winning
- Do be concerned when the guy you are snogging in a taxi calls you Becca. Unless you are called Becca. in which case, have a cracking night. I am sure he's a keeper.
- Edinburgh is better than London PART TWO: there is an Indian Restaurant that serves Veggie Haggis curry. Get out of town! Except don’t. Stay in town and eat the curry.
- There may be more of your exes in this city than stars for Michelle Wolf’s show. Don't heckle either one.
- Do be concerned that the pillows in your sublet look like an acid-tripping lab-rat chewed through it like a hungry comedian in Caravan.
I will be back shortly with more revelations from the second two weeks of the Fringe. By which time I will have renamed my show SIX DEGREES OF RICHARD BACON. It will relay the tale of a girl called Becca who falls for a former TV presenter. Instead of ‘cutting loose’ and forcing the town of Bomont to dance again, Becca and Richard will carve out careers in radio and snort lines from a Blue Peter badge.
SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON by me, Lolly Jones plays in the Spare Room at Just the Tonic at 22:20 until the 28th August. Tickets from £5: https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/six-degrees-of-kevin-bacon