Many times, I have tried to leave Facebook but all those (…er) missed party invites and, well...
what about the time I needed to sub-let my flat?
or when I got a free Pret Cappuccino (and had to inform everyone)?
or when I wanted to compare myself to other people because I was feeling fat and poor?
THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU!
We’re all sucked in. Yes! Even you slime balls at the back, who’ve had the same profile picture since 2007 and only ‘like’ two posts a year, (both of which are political).
We are all cogs in the machine.
So…my ‘friends’, what kind of FACEBOOKER are you?
The Humble Bragger
‘Just been offered two incredible jobs at the same time. What to do? I hate making decisions. Arghhhh’.
The 90s Texter
‘Cnt w8 4 2mora wen I C me m8’.
Go write ‘Boobless’ on a calculator. In a dark room. On your own.
The Eater Wanker
I wouldn't mind but it looks shite.
The TV Spoiler
Don Draper dies? Wait! No. He lives? He makes a Coke ad? No, wait. Don Draper turns his back on capitalism to live a life of existentialism and meaning? What? The ending is ambiguous, pretentious and impossible to determine? Cool.
Oh, sorry. Were you not home on Monday night?
The Casual Racist
Keep it for chit chat around the Christmas dinner table.
The Cat Gif-er
Go get some interaction with a real person.
The Dog Gif-er
Seriously. Go get shagged.
The Pug Gif-er
OK, you can stay.
The Dude who uses Facebook to talk to their Child
The kid is three years old.
Why are you telling them they are your little princess?
They are not reading it. I am reading it. I am angry.
Flogging some manky trainers?
Wrong website, dipshit.
The Out of Towner
“After a tasty Vegan restaurant to impress the in-laws…GO…”
Google it, you bell.
The Cryptic Statuser
‘Feeling blue’. Sad face emoticon.
Or simply: ‘*Fumin’!
I do not have time to play your sick game.
*Seriously, though. What are you fumin’ about?
The Serial Breaker-upper
The Britain First Supporter
The Selfie Twat
Because it DIDN’T take you fifty attempts.
The Copy and Paster
‘Click ‘Like’ if you hate Cancer’.
They NEVER comment but they know all of you, in distinct detail…when your period is due, when you last listened to Justin Beiber and the shape and density of your last crap.
“Hi, nan, it’s been twenty years since we lost you…”
A couple of things:
- That’s two years before Zuckerberg was even conceived
- They can’t read it because,oh, well this is awkward...
They’ve got a cocktail in an infinity pool in Chiang Mai.
You’re doing data entry and you just found a mouse’s tooth in your pot noodle.
The Real-time Updater
‘Hey! Just having some Coco Pops’!
‘Hey! Just heading out for a shot of wheatgrass’!
‘Hey! Just having a wank, guys’.
Okaaayyyy. Got it.
Er… #sod #off and #die #?
Whether they’re changing your Sex (it took me weeks to figure that one out), swapping your profile picture to a baby scan or simply writing “I think I’ve got crabs”, it never gets old.
The Proud Parent
“Dwayne just chewed his first solid”
Yeah, well I just sicked up last night’s Jager bombs but you don’t hear me banging on about it.
I don’t want to see a rabie’d dog with half an ear.
I don't have money to give to charity and I’m trying to watch Hollyoaks.
The Happy Reveller
They who rarely check Facebook and are happy living a real life.
Contributing ideas from my 'friends': Liam Butterfield, Katie Ashford, Kirsty Fretwell, Farrel Hagerty, Carl Thorpe, Joe Lewis, Andrew Dickson, Erin Egan, Aubrey Reynolds, Rhys Jennings, Daniel Williams, Sara Edwards, William Boulby, Katie Salt, Zoe Belucci, Stan Jay, Tom Ogley, Dave Prater, Siobhan Smith, Adam Ashall, Alison Baker, Sian Breckin, Louise Mardenborough, Alison Beevers, Alun Hill, Vicky Wyles, Lianne Wyles, Jean Butterfield, Suzie Collins
Story by Lolly Jones and Emmy Fyles