Oh the joy when 9pm comes around and those immortal words are uttered from Miss Flack’s sweet gob:
“It’s going to be a long, hot summer”
And it has been, hasn't it people?
Love Island has been about as joyous as TV gets – a cross between Big Brother and the amateur section of Soft Porn Express…with peroxide and back stabbing and enough fake boobs to float a ship. Or…well, a raft.
On Wednesday the winning couple will be revealed, becoming the handsome beneficiaries of fifty grand. But who will be worthy winners?
Playboy bunny Hannah who believes a bikini top should cover the nipples only and Essex John who pronounced himself leader on day one and is man enough to cry over a lost erection?
Loved up, secret-bitch Luis (can no one remember him ditching every girl he chose in the opening episode?) and former Miss GB and piercing blue-eyed Cally (they ARE Contacts, right)?
Or should it be Ken-doll Josh who thinks there is only one country in the UK? And his partner? Er..what’s her name again…er…she’s done nowt but look sad for six weeks…Lozza?
Or…OR…the beauty that is Max and JESS?!! JAX, if you will.
OK, Max is blah but we have seen Jess morph from a Page 3 desperado into a gorgeous, funny and self-deprecating swan.
Here, my beauties is why we all need to vote for the ultimate underdog Jess in the final. #JessweCan
Beauty is in the PIE of the Beholder
Jess began as the hot girl. Everyone wanted a piece.
But soon enough, Josh shat on her. The ‘twin’ shat on her. Max shat on her. Naomi shat there. All over her. Pooey turd poo, everywhere.
Only Omar was true to her. Oh, Omar…
NO ONE does a tantrum like Jess. Head throwing, foot stamping, spinning 360 and earth mother screaming. Whether she’s being called out for lying or if she just doesn’t get her own way, Jess can turn on the Terrible Twos like no one’s business.
The Coy Smile
Whenever it kicks off, Jessica bloody LOVES it.
When Max threw the deckchair in the pool – coy smile.
When she ratted out the boys for saying that the girls were ‘minging’ and everyone was shouting– coy smile.
She’s like a riotous Cupid.
Low Self Esteem
“I’m not a minger babe, I’m on Page 3” she bleated as a final mating call to Josh.
But whilst she knows her hot currency, she is unaware of her worth. Whether she’s jumping back into bed with Josh or self-confessing that all she’s good for is “bending over”…no, Jess! No!
Trying to be a Bitch
Jess’ most lovable quality is that she would be BITCH No.1 if she held any sway in the house. Her lack of presence has prevented her manipulating in any meaningful way.
It hasn’t stopped her ‘though.
Remember when Naomi was moving in on Josh? “If you do this, I will be really upset” Jess moaned, perfecting her Princess Diana look – looking up in a sad way, beneath lashes.
Or lying about Pie’ing the twin off.
Or swapping her partner on the second day, at the first opportunity (bye Jordan)!
Or leading Omar on, to stay in the competition.
Jess represents the everyman. She just wants to be loved.
It was never about winning the ‘boy’.
Because, let's face it - she never really did.
If nothing else, at least she wears a bikini that covers her lady bits.
Let’s give her twenty five G’s so she can finally come out on top. Oh no wait, she already did that...and from behind...and in doggy...
Oh well, JAX...yeah....!