Sometimes we all feel a little lonely, so this week, I went in search of meaning. Sadly, instead of transcendental meditation, I used dating app Tinder as my tool.
The reasons I 'Swiped Left' on so many adorable men are because...
I don’t need you to rise again
If Jesus came back in this day and age-would he be on Tinder? More importantly, would he call himself Robbo and ‘shag with an amplifier set to 11’?
A cropped photo probably means you’re bald
Now I don’t mind a baldie. One word: Bruce Willis.
What I don’t like is deceit. If you’re concealing a shiny swede, what else are you being dishonest about? A pressing visa application? Crabs? A pet gimp in the basement?
You didn’t butter me up first
If you want to see my panties, you’re going to have to buy me a Fillet of Fish meal with a full fat coke first, pal.
Low neck t-shirts are for women
And even then, they should be used sparingly and only when making a point.
You’re bloody MARRIED!
I admire the honesty but do you want to let the dust settle first?
I was almost offered a future by a non-virtual person
Almost. A no-filter future, dangling precariously on the end of string.
What was it my Grandma used to say? Beware the charming wolf in H&M sheeps clothing.
Women like a bit of mystery
Is that an organic courgette down there or are you pleased to see me?
Why? Just WHY?
...but not too much mystery
Beard – good. No face – bad.
I’m looking for intelligence (as well as a pronounced rectus femoris)
I KNOW YOU
And I think we already did.