I am stood amongst fellow revellers at the stairs of St Pauls, on the first Spring evening of the year. We have assembled for Bullshit London; a walking tour of fake facts and silliness.
As the sun does a sly one behind Pizza Express, Reuben - our sequin clad philosophiser springs to life. Jumping onto the steps, he LOUDLY spins tales of masturbation and arson, even reinventing the London Riots with a cheeky anecdote.
Bemused tourists not ‘in’ on our tour of bullshit, stare in confusion as we are regaled with ridiculous and hilarious lies. We learn of the Thames Mermaid, not seen for 200 years and of the city’s Russian Quarter, that houses a large collection of Putin’s merkins.
Dryly encouraged to join the selfie trend – I juggle my I Phone precariously and lick the shaft of the shard, immediately uploading it to Twitter. Perhaps I missed the point.
This curious, comedic honey trap leads us down alleyways and across bridges. The South Bank plays an endearing host and willing ally to the showering of shoddy folk lore. Where else would you want to hear the unfamiliar yarns of Queen Victoria “getting fingered”? Intense.
Our 30-strong group bond along the way as we re-enact battle scenes and laugh with each other at the audacious ‘facts’.
I don’t want to reveal too much of the tour, as the element of surprise is one of its delights. I laughed so hard on our walk through “Danish film set” Gabriel’s Wharf that I nearly wee’d myself.
Two hours later, after taking in the famous bin that Hugh Grant “got off with in Love Actually” and the dubious Ship of Paedophilia, we are dropped off in Trafalgar Square, (not before learning gross mis-truths of Admiral Nelson).
I say goodbye to my comrades and glance back at the London skyline, glistening in its “tributes of phallic emotion”.
The return to reality is a deflating experience. For one evening, the city thronged with a nonsensical past and a senseless present. Like real life I suppose but a shit load more fun.
Family Experience 3/5
Date Night 5/5
Solitary Fun 3/5
Friend Frolics 5/5
More information on Bullshit Tours
Tours leave at 7pm on Thursdays. Any weather.
Private tours available on request (7 person minimum)
Current cost: £10. Concession - £8 (April discount offer on Facebook page)