Don’t kick a table in an audition or you’ll end up in A and E.
If you accidentally tell a Sun journalist that whilst working in Parliament you (allegedly) snuck into Jeremy Corbyn’s office and wrote ‘Sexy Jez’ on his whiteboard, you WILL get fired.
When the starless sky turns burnt orange, drink gin and do cartwheels.
When Daniel Naddafy forces you to do a nuddy run – this time on Brighton beach, kick off your heels and do it. It’s easier than arguing.
Don’t text an aubergine to someone that you once loved. Emojis should remain inanimate.
Don’t send post when you are a fugitive. You will be hunted down by a man bush and feel like you failed everyone you ever met.
Do visit a spa when you’re on the run. You may have limited money but if your nails aren’t follicled, what’s the point in evading capture?
If an Italian waiter asks you to join him for cocktails when you are holidaying in Florence alone, go for cocktails.
Do hitch hike.
Don’t drink so much Prosecco on Christmas Eve that your mum has to pull into a layby on Christmas morning so that you can hurl. She won’t be impressed.
Don’t feel bad when you don’t win the comedy award. The makeover lady drew your eyebrows on for the first time ever and you looked like a real person.
Don’t think you’re the balls when your Edinburgh show sells out on a Saturday and people are standing and everyone’s sweating and cheering and pulling party poppers in your face and you feel like you’ve made it.
Don’t think you failed because the next day, there are six people in attendance and they look at you like you shat on their dog.
Do turn up to a date dressed as Donald Trump clutching a blow up doll. Don't expect to go home with both of them.
Do move back north of the river if you want to take tubes again and wear your leopard print coat on the same day as your sequin backpack.
Don’t climb Arthur’s Seat without water on the only hot Scottish day that there has ever been.
Do play a sex robot.
Don’t get pigeon holed.
Do charge your male boss a quid when he expects you to make the tea.
Do pay £25 on top of Labour Party fees to vote for the Corbyn sexy underdog.
Don’t underestimate the intensity of becoming a fugitive. Even when it’s for a TV show. Yes, you will sleep in woodland and on boats and crave Guinness and Yorkshire Tea but you will look for exits long after you’re caught.
Do dance like it's 1999.
Kiss men that chop wood.
And always buy your Beatles calendar from Poundland.